Never realized what a relief it is to express feelings.

Today I am sitting here reminiscing on the loved ones whom I have lost. Some due to death others that we just drifted apart.

I will start off with the worst year of my life. It started on April 28, 2003. The day started with the utmost excitement because it was the annual Felkins family reunion. Every year the reunion takes place at Wooly Hollow State Park. My Grandmother, Grandfather, and I had gone down early to start setting tables getting the barbecue pits ready and setting up chairs. At the park there is usually no cell phone reception, but on this occasion a few got through. My grandmother received a call from my cousin saying his mother had passed out and they could not wake her up. Not knowing how serious the situation was she told him to put a damp cloth on her forehead and wait for her to come to. The phone was cutting in and out making the conversation difficult so my cousin came to the park, only a few miles from the house, to fill us in on what was going on. My aunt was in the front yard loading her grand kids into her van when she passed out. He could tell it was not a normal fainting spell. My grandmother and grandfather left to go check on her and see what was happening, leaving me at the park to let people know as they showed up what was going on. When some of the relatives from out of town got there I got the call that they were rushing my aunt to the hospital, something was seriously wrong. I rushed to the hospital were I was told she had a brain aneurysm and was dead before they had left our house. I was a pallbearer at the funeral, we laid her to rest at the age of 48.

I don't recall the exact date but shortly after my aunt passed away we found out my Grandfather had lung cancer. He underwent months of chemo and radiation treatments to no avail. After being in pain and sick from the disease and the treatment with no improvement he and the doctors decided to stop the treatments. I lived with my grandparents at the time and witnessed his struggle. Me and my grandfather became closer than we had ever been. After several stays in the hospital the family and doctors decide to bring in hospice so we could have Papa at home because that is what he would have wanted. One of my uncles and I were at home meeting with hospice setting up beds and all the necessary machines to make him comfortable when we got the call. The last thing my grandfather said was that he wanted to go home, Granny assured him we were taking him home and that was all he needed to hear. We laid him to rest on November, 4 2003 at the age of 69. My grandfather was a coin collector for as long as I can remember. The Christmas before he passed away I bought him a 1934 silver dollar, the year he was born, to replace the one he carried in his pocket every day until it had rubbed completely smooth. He was buried with the coin I gave him in his pocket and that still means a lot to me.

Sunday December 14, 2003 started off an exciting day. My girlfriend at the time, who later became my wife, was moving in with me because her parents were moving out of state. She was working and still in college so she decided to stay with me. We were at her parents house packing her things getting ready for the move. It was mid evening, I don't remember the exact time, I got a phone call from my uncle that I needed to come home as soon as I could. He said it was not an emergency but I needed to get there soon. The first thought that crossed my mind is that my dog must have been hit by a car or shot by the neighbor again. So I went home thinking I had lost my dog. When I got to the house there were to many cars there to justify losing a dog so I got really worried. All the things going through my head did not come close to the horror I was about to walk in on. As soon as I opened the door I knew something serious had happened, everyone was in tears with grief like I had never seen. Before I got the door closed I was knocked off my feet literally, someone said Sonny is dead he committed suicide. I could not believe what I had just heard, Sonny was my little brother. Most of the next few weeks are still a blur, I guess I was in shock and still am. My little brother was a troubled teen he had been kicked out of several schools, in trouble with the law and ultimately had been placed in a boys home rather than jail. I had gone up to see him and spent a whole day just hanging out just a couple of months before. I am so glad I got that time with him. We went to an arcade and spent like a hundred bucks on video games, we went to the Mystic Caverns, and just drove around talking. He seemed to be happy up there like he finally fit in. It was a huge surprise to all of us. We laid my brother to rest on December 20 2003 at the age of 17.

These are thoughts I can never bring myself to talk about. They have been building for a while now, and now that i have expressed them I do feel some relief. I guess like people say you really should talk these things out. Now that I have started a lot of other great memories come to mind that I will keep private for now. Just know, to all of those that have touched me, you will forever be near and dear to my heart.